Rachel Biale

Infants and Sleep

The 5:00 AM Wake-up 

Our seven-months-old baby has been a great sleeper (even gave up the middle of the night waking recently) but when Daylight Savings Time ended she started waking up at 5am. We thought we’d wait it out to let her adjust to the new time and she’d go back to 6:00 am (much more reasonable), but no such luck. We tried keeping her up later at night but, other than a miserable time from 8:00 pm to 9:00 pm, we have seen no results. How can we explain to her that we are not farmers? Can we retrain her to wake up at a more suitable hour for modern urban living? I have never been SO TIRED in my life (even when I used to get up 3 times a night to nurse).

This is a common problem with infants; perhaps it’s the hunter-gatherer genetic code. Sometimes it’s triggered by a time change (or jetlag), but often it just appears as a baby transitions from nights punctuated by several wakings to feed to sleeping through the night. Delaying bedtime may help but it takes five to seven days before it ‘takes’ and, as in your case, often increases misery at night for no rearwards in the morning. 

Here is how you train your daughter to sleep in (before she is a teenager, when it will no longer be a problem at all!).

1.     Record when she awakes for five days in a row. Pick the earliest time as your starting point. If she wakes at 5:15 am, 5:00 am, 5:05 am, 5:20 am and 5:10 am, then 5:00 am is it (sorry. . .). 

2.     Put a clock radio in her room, set to play music at 5:00 am. Within a minute after the radio turns on, come into her room, pick her up and proceed as if this is a perfectly reasonable time to start the day. Turn on lights, feed and change her, and play with her in your usual daytime room. She’ll probably want a morning nap earlier than usual; don’t worry about that.

3.     Repeat the clock radio routine for five days. You are working to create a conditioned response, whereby, as soon as the music comes on, she wakes up and expects yo

4.     After about five days she will be trained to wake up to the music

5.     Now comes the crucial, somewhat sneaky, part: start moving the clock forward by five-minute increments each morning (5:05 am, 5:10 am, 5:15 am). Remember: once the music is on, come right in and pick her up. Over the course of ten to twelve days you should be able to move her waking to 6:00 am, or very close to it.

There is a limit to this method – most parents I have worked with were able to move their baby’s wake up time by forty-five to sixty minutes. Don’t imagine you could stretch your daughter to 8:00 am, as lovely as that sounds. 

Finally, I wonder if part of your intense fatigue is your own reaction to the change from Daylight Savings Time. A lot of people don't realize they suffer from varying degree of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): low energy, abnormal fatigue, feeling down to full blown depression, when the amount of sunlight they get each day suddenly drops by an hour. It often gets worse as the days get shorter but lifts in early spring. There are many high intensity lamps available on the market (search for “SAD lamp”). Get a simple one for your dining table and sit close to it when you have your breakfast. People vary a lot in how much light they need. I discovered about twenty-five years ago that I needed twenty minutes in the morning so I don’t feel like going bed at 7:15 pm. Experiment to see how much you need. You should feel the difference very quickly: in one to three days. I hope you soon see your way to more sleep and more pep.

School-age Kids: Trying moments

Teaching Kids to Succeed at Failure

I overheard at the locker room: “We don’t put our daughter in any situation in which she is not certain to succeed.” Oh, my, I thought to myself, what a deprived child! You probably agree . . . but, be honest with yourself, how often have you tried to set things up for your child he is guaranteed a success? Very often, I would guess. Of course! as parents we want to pave our children’s path in golden bricks. But, as a rule, parents these days have gone way overboard, as the oft-cited terms, “helicopter parents” and “snowplow parents” demonstrate.

Why not? you might ask. Shouldn’t I shield my young child from the heartbreak of losing a game, the disappointment of not getting picked for a team, the frustration of not scoring the winning goal? Simply put: because knowing how to handle the emotional impact of failure and how to forge ahead after it are crucial life skills.

Begin by reflecting about yourself and your spouse or parenting partner: what are your strategies? Can you admit to yourself when you’ve failed, acknowledge the emotional sting without too much self-recrimination (let alone blaming others for it) and find a way forward? How would you translate your strategies to smaller, simpler steps for your young child? Can you put them into small “lessons” or anecdotes you feel comfortable sharing with your child?

Now you’re ready for some tips about your child:

1.     Kids under age four don’t yet have much in their emotional tool kit. It is fine to try to structure their lives so disappointments and failures happen within your protective orbit. For example: you might purposefully work on a puzzle with them that’s a bit too hard and say something like: “This puzzle is really hard. Will you let mommy help you with this piece?”  Then celebrate succeeding together. Similarly, with throwing a ball: you can start with a target (basketball, net) too far and then explicate: “we put the goal too far. Would you like to move it closer in?” Here you are problem-solving together.

2.     Starting at age four you can encourage your child to take more risks and try more things she may not be able to accomplish yet. A bit of forewarning may temper the reaction, e.g. “Try to hit the nail right on the head to get it to go in. It’s hard… so let’s see if you can do it by yourself. If not, I can little help you, just a little bit.” Now stand back and wit as your child attempts it on her own. Encourage expressing frustration in words, rather than physically and figuring out a way to get it done (maybe together) if the first effort fails.

3.     Tell stories about your own failures: they can be childhood anecdotes or adult experiences. The lesson should emphasize patience, persevering, and eventual success but don’t make it too glowing. You don’t want your child to feel that you always get it right in the end while he can’t.

4.     Remember that you’re trying to equip your child with language for their feelings and tools for self-soothing and self-reassurance. With kids ages four to six it’s best to stick to a succinct vocabulary with drawings and/or emojis or facial expression stickers for feelings such as “disappointed, sad, frustrated, angry, discouraged.” Keep an ear out for the natural tendency to blame others (or outside circumstances (e.g. the ball was deflated or the finish line was crooked) and gently guide your child is taking responsibility for his own actions and limitation. Your support is crucial: mostly plenty of hugs and high-fives. Medals, certificates of achievements, and ribbons are good additions: first for effort and perseverance and, later, for accomplishment.

5.     For kids age six and up I suggest having your child create a treasure box of self-encouragement. It can include statements written in advance and placed in the box (some clichés, such as, “If you fail, try, try again” are fine), photos of herself at moments of success in new tasks, gold stars, and even little treats -- some kind of “super-power chocolates.”

6.     Help your child narrate the process of trying and failing, how it feels in the moment, and self-talk about not giving up, trying a different way, etc. This can be told (or dictated if your child is not a proficient writer yet) as a story, writing in a journal, drawing a cartoon, etc. Despite the preponderance of electronic writing and image-making, I strongly recommend creating a physical object: it has much greater power as a container for your child’s experience and feelings.

7.     Encourage your child to re-visit these records of failure and frustration a few days after they occur, then after a couple of weeks and, finally, some months later. It will give him a concrete sense of how the passage of time and his maturation help him  get better at “succeeding at failure.”

Good luck! I hope you succeed at this lesson about failure.

Toddlers: LIMit Setting and Temper Tantrums

Part I: Limit Setting

We have two kinds of “No!” battles in our house: either I say “no” and my kid just keeps doing whatever I told her not to do, or I tell her to do something (I try to mode; asking politely) and she says “no.” Between those two versions of “no,” I don’t know what to do to get more cooperation and peace. As you can imagine, these exchanges turn into temper tantrums, some times as often as ten times a day. 

Of course! I can’t count the number of parents who’ve told me: “I say “no” and have a temper tantrum on my hands.” This is especially likely when your “no” is followed up by swiftly taking away the knife/porcelain vase/TV remote control/iPhone away from eager, exploring hands. Almost as many ask how they can get their child to “do what she’s told” and how to respond to their child’s defiant “No!”  

Setting limits is a continuous task (sometimes better described as “battle”) for protecting your children from danger and your possessions from destruction, while also teaching what we think of as the “building blocks” of civilization. Young children need limits: 

1.     In order to be and feel safe in the world around them 

2.     To help manage uncontrollable emotions that easily overwhelm them

3.     To know they can always rely on their parents (and other care-taking adults) for their security

4.     To learn how to deal with frustration and anger using words, not aggression.  

Ensuring physical safety is obvious, though not always easy. We put up safety gates, lock away chemicals and medicines, hold our child’s hand walking down the street. It comes naturally; you know you’ve got to do it. Harder is the sometimes-daunting daily struggles over rules and parents’ instructions, and managing explosive emotions at home (and preschool or daycare) in an effective and nurturing manner. 

Young children’s emotions are extremely intense: their joy is unbounded; their rage is fearsome! They, themselves, can get frightened by the intensity and explosiveness of their feelings. They need adults to repeatedly confirm the rules, model and set limits on how to express intense emotions, and stop them from hurting others or themselves (more about aggression in another section). They derive their sense of security from the adults around them, including-even especially when the adults say “no.”  

Limit setting is an integral part of the separation-individuation process, whereby a child becomes her own independent person, beginning with the birth “no.” Limit setting must be consistent and firm. All the adults in the family and childcare/preschool staff, hopefully agree on the same rules and stick to them faithfully. Gradually rules get modified as a child matures, but changing the rules in the moment should be reserved for extraordinary circumstances only.  

As pedantic as it may seem, writing down your rules can help both you and your child. Even a toddler, years away from reading, will respond to you reading the rules out loud (Stick to only two or three) you’ve written a small poster, illustrated with stick figures or pictures from magazines or printed from the internet. Especially with toddlers whose language is not yet well developed while determination to “do by self” is at its peak, you can avoid at least some melt-downs by giving a choice between two options, where both are equally acceptable to you. For example, if you tell your child “Put this shirt on” you’re in for a struggle, but if you offer him a choice between the red one or the blue one, he will be happy to exercises his power and independence. Once you have a tantrum on your hands, stay calm, make sure your child is safe, and stick to your rules.

Part II: Temper Tantrums  

Tantrums can start already in infancy but are more typical for toddlers and preschoolers; a natural response the frustrations. These key tips will help you manage tantrums:  

1.     Help your child verbalize that anger in the moment e.g. “I know you’re so angry because mommy took away the scissors you cannot have it is not safe stay with your child and helpful come down by talking, holding her, handing her stuffed animal, or letting her to snuggle in armchair or bean bag in the corner of the room. 

2.     Don’t back off from your action/rule and enforce it with physical action (removing an object from your child’s hand or her from the trouble spot). Repeat and explain the rules after you child has calmed down. 

3.     Reassure your child: “right now you’re still too mad, but when you feel better we can___.” Suggest something you child really likes: reading a story, building a castle with blocks, playing dress-up, but not something out of the ordinary (ice cream at 10:00 am, a trip to Disneyland). You don’t want your child to get the idea that a tantrum is a way to get something special. 

4.     Stay close by. I am not in favor of “time out” in separate room, at least not until age four or so, when kids have more tools to manage their emotions (the age will vary from child to child). “Time out” should mean being removed from the source of trouble (your laptop, window sill, hot stove.) and only the minimal attention needed to let your child know you’re present and ready to help him calm down. Beware of giving so much attention as to make it a “dramatic production.”

5.     Some kids do best if you hold them in an enveloping hug, while others escalate if you try to that. The latter kids need a rug to roll on and kick, a big armchair to flail around on, a pillow to punch. 

6.     After the storm passes, teach your child the words she needs such as “angry, mad, sad, frustrated.” Make a chart with drawing or pictures of those facial expressions, play games where you take turns pretending to be angry or sad and asking “What can we do so I don’t feel so mad/sad?” Engage your child in suggesting possibilities: a big hug or a kiss, holding a beloved stuffed animal, punching a bob-bag, tearing up and crumpling newspapers, stomping your feet. 

7.     Distraction and humor (making silly faces, starting a silly song), can help shorten the tantrum’s duration and intensity. But when kids approach age four, they may well be insulted by this, as you seem to be making fun of their raging storm. Back off. 

Sometimes a child’s tantrum is so intense it sets you off. Have you ever felt like throwing a tantrum yourself? Or yelling at your child, or . . . even, hitting? Once in a while is a common part of parenting. If you do lose you cool with your child, be sure to address it. Tell him: ” I am so sorry I yelled at you. I was too angry when I did. It makes me feel sad now.” And it’s OK to say, “I need a little time out to calm down,” and model by taking demonstrative deep breaths, counting out loud to ten, or closing your eyes (if it’s safe to leave your child unwatched for a few seconds) and hugging a pillow to your chest. 

But, if you “lose it” often, you need more help. Talk to a therapist, a child development specialist, your pediatrician or a support group. And know that you are not alone.